Sunday, August 21, 2005
a story
she's got so much to say..she's got so much to do.. she really need to do something about her life.. her happiness mainly. but when she thinks of ways to do it, she freezes. there is actually nothing she can do. she felt so hopeless.. does she really wait for fate, or does she make a choice? in fact there is no choice for her to make. she can only wait hopelessly, stupidly. she's so tired that she cant move on.. she needs to get on with life, but she realised she cant. everymorning and every night, she feels her heart pricking and acheing.. but it has became a routine that she's so used to it. the pain is there but her heart is numb.. but tonight the pain felt so vivid once again.. she doesnt why.. issit bcos her heart has awoken from its deep sleeps and dreams? and issit time to move on? or issit time to stay? the whole evening was bad for her today.. she's left so hopeless in life. she always told herself to get back in life; get up and clean herself, look in front and start walking.. but it was never the case. she suppose she's always been lying to herself.. she guesses it's counting in months. she has never seen the real side of herself since then.
she prays everyday every night every single moment she thinks of him. she speaks that he'll never return, but deep in her heart there's some glimpse of hope. she sees all the negative information and gets sad all over again, but her tears just wouldnt flow. issit her heart stopping it, or issit because she dont feel like crying? she waits for him. she feels silly, because his reply wasnt nice or polite.
she tried falling in love for someone else. none of them lasted for more than 2 days. maybe she's really stuck and cant get out. she wonders why this is happening, and asks herself. her heart answers, "because your eyes are set on him". she agrees but she couldnt smile. is that a good thing or a bad thing? she saw his letters for him. she took them out and counted the number of "i love you"-s. it was 156 altogether. and she cried her eyes swollen that night. she read the conversations, and tears never stopped flowing, with some laughs in between. she looks at his nicks. she tries to get close to him. she tries to know what's happening to him. she feels silly.
she waits and waits and waits and waits. nothing ever came looking for her. she never imagined she'd be so weak in love, she never imagined love will take her soul away, she never knew she is so strongly in love with him before, she never knew what will ever happen. she only hopes.
she wonders if he still knew that she loved him. she wonders if he has another sweetheart. she wonders if he's safe, happy and comfortable. she wonders if he still comes to her blog. she wonders if he did look out for her whenever he's out of the house, she wonders if he would return one day. she wonders if he is silently looking after him too, like what she's doing, and she wonders if he's trying to protect her too. she wonders too much. she thinks too much.
perhaps she shldnt complain, she shldnt feel like crying, she shldnt look at anything related to him, she shldnt even talk abt him any any more. and perhaps it will work. but by then, will her heart be free again to love someone else?
sorry for so much blogging today.. needa vent my fustrations and thoughts here..
-when are you
coming back? ;
